What products have you been loving this month?
For weeks I have been planning on going through my closet. I had boxes and hangers full of clothes that were all from my pre-pregnancy days. It was such a horrible feeling opening my closet everyday and seeing clothes that I love and am still nowhere fitting back into. It was a daily reminder of the changes that have taken place with my body and the weight I've gained.
On Monday I finally decide to go through the endless piles of clothes. I was doing really well until I opened my skirt drawer. I immediately started to cry and it quickly turned into an emotional breakdown. After a few minutes I went into the living and sobbed in Alex's arms. The past 2 months I had been doing so well with loving my body and not having negative thoughts towards myself. But for some reason going through the clothes complete did me in.
I felt so materialistic, shallow and vain. I told Alex that I knew I had a pretty face, and how awful I felt for thinking that. But for some reason I felt like my face and my body don't match. I think that when people look at Alex and I they think to themselves: "Poor guy. How did such a good looking, fit guy end up with a whale?!" I have never felt uncomfortable around Alex and I am so grateful for that. I know that he thinks I'm beautiful no matter what, and in his eyes I'm more beautiful now than I was when we first met (even though I am 50 pounds heavier). The thing that has been hard for me is that I don't like how I feel about myself. I hate feeling this way.
After spilling all these thoughts and more on Alex he quietly said: "If these clothes are bothering you so much, don't even look at them, just put them in a bag and get rid of them." It was such a relief to hear those words. I originally planned on keeping quite a bit as a "just in case I loose the weight" kind of thing. I didn't want to have to spend money on a new wardrobe if I ended up going back to my previous size. He continued by saying that if I did loose weight we can get me new things, that I shouldn't hang on to things that are making me miserable just to save money.
Over the years, all of my church friends (except for Elise), have moved for school and got married. It's been so hard for me to have physical distance from people I love so much. And unfortunately because of the distance, I've lost touch with almost all of them. Except for Laura. We've known each other for almost 14 years and even though we aren't the best at staying connected, her and her husband always make sure to come over when they are in town visiting family. I love that even though we go for long periods without talking, we are still able to act like nothing has changed. Even though everything pretty much has. It was so much meeting each other's babies and having a nice visit.