This is a topic that I've been wanting to talk about for a while now, but I just haven't gotten around to writing (partly because I've been putting it off, and I've been enjoying cuddling Calvin more than blogging) To start, the transition into motherhood has been so incredible. Calvin is a dream, Alex is super supportive, my recovery has been awesome and I am happy. The only struggle that I have been facing has been how I see my post pregnancy body. A few years ago I lost quite a lot of weight (around 50 pounds), and one of my biggest fears about pregnancy was that I would gain it all back. During our first year of marriage I gained 10 pounds, and over the course of my pregnancy I gained another 40, which means I am back to the same weight I was before I lost the weight 4 years ago.
A couple nights ago I completely unloaded to Alex about how I was feeling. I said things that I have never said about myself before. Things like: "I don't feel pretty." and "I don't like looking in a mirror" or "I was so much prettier when we were first married". Luckily I am not at all uncomfortable around Alex, and surprisingly my naked body doesn't horrify me. For some reason in my mind as soon as I put on clothing I look terrible. It's weird, and I don't understand it.
I hate how I feel, so I'm doing something about it. Instead of focusing on the numbers on the scale, or clothing I buy, I want to do one thing everyday that makes me feel beautiful. At the end of the day this body created the cutest baby boy I have ever seen. I should be proud of what I have done, not ashamed of how I look.